Vuvuzela? Not the worst noise at the World Cup.

So, 4 days in and the World Cup is up and running. We have had goalkeeping errors, dodgy red cards, a humorous thrashing for the Aussies, the violent-rage-inducing non-stop-drone of the vuvuzela, everything really except some world class football. The standard of play will presumably increase, not least because today Portugal face Ivory Coast, Brasil enter the fray later this evening and the excellent Spain get under way tomorrow. Unfortunately it looks like the vuvuzela situation will remain unchanged, not least because about a million of the things are on sale with a FIFA logo pasted on the side.


However the African Stadium horn is not the most irritating sound of the tournament so far. That honour must surely go to the ITV coverage of Saturday nights England game, an event so littered with crimes against broadcasting that I almost don't know where to start. The panel were two-thirds awful. Kevin Keegan who appears to have been drinking non-stop since leaving Manchester could barely string a sentence together. His contributions limited to merely repeating things that he had heard in the commentary. Gareth Southgate comes across like a schoolboy who has won the chance to be a pundit for the night, with his rabbit trapped in the headlight eyes he looks more scared than before 'that' penalty in 1996. Only Patrick Vieira saved the ensemble, a man for whom English is probably his third language being the most coherent member of the team. Even he was guilty of watching a completely different match to everybody else, England were excellent?


But at least you have a choice of whether to watch the tedious pre-amble, half-time drivel or post-match common sense massacre. There is NO getting away from the reprehensible Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. I have since heard Tyldesley commentating on other World Cup games since, he does a perfectly adequate job, almost registering lower on the irritation scale than John Motson. Unfortunately when England are involved he becomes the worlds biggest jingoistic cliche merchant. His constant references to 'the millions' watching at home in 'bars, clubs or lounges'. His complete inability to say the name of an England player without rattling it through the very depths of his throat first. I can only assume he does this in case RooOOONNNNnnEEYYYYY's touch on the half way line leads to the greatest goal ever scored and is subsequently replayed forever. Clearly, Tyldesley thinks he is part of the action rather than a mere spectator, a journalist, a commentator. Sitting next to TyyyLLLDDDEEESSSley is Andy 'Tactics-Truck' Townsend, a man whose skill in repeating the obvious is so large that it staggers me everytime I hear him in action. Thankfully the vuvuzela's help to blot out the sound of these two idiots.


A final mention must go to the World Cup Express on Radio 5 Live, each night at 9:30. Truly Mark 'Chappers' Chapman and Dave 'Comedy' Vitty provide a level of banality and tedium not before experienced on the BBC. 5 Live usually provides excellent football coverage and analysis (606 aside), but after listening to this yesterday evening for around 20 long minutes I now know what resides at the bottom of the barrel. The two ground breaking issues up for discussion were, goal-keeping howlers and vuvuzelas! Insightful stuff I am sure you will agree, particularly the haha, hilarious, oh I am laughing now just thinking about it, section where they discuss places where the vuvuzela would not be welcome. Cue, snippets of commentary from the Open golf, the snooker, the tennis all with horn noises added for good measure. Chapman, Vitty and 'special' guest Robbie Savage were laughing hard at this section, with Savage heard to mutter the word 'brilliant' through his guffaws. The phrase 'lowest common denominator' springs to mind. How these two were allowed to escape from Radio 1 is an absolute mystery.


Lets just hope the football picks up over the next few days. and if it does, my advice is this. Turn down the sound, pop on your favourite album, crack open a beer and enjoy the football in beautiful horn free bliss.