Vuvuzela? Not the worst noise at the World Cup.

So, 4 days in and the World Cup is up and running. We have had goalkeeping errors, dodgy red cards, a humorous thrashing for the Aussies, the violent-rage-inducing non-stop-drone of the vuvuzela, everything really except some world class football. The standard of play will presumably increase, not least because today Portugal face Ivory Coast, Brasil enter the fray later this evening and the excellent Spain get under way tomorrow. Unfortunately it looks like the vuvuzela situation will remain unchanged, not least because about a million of the things are on sale with a FIFA logo pasted on the side.


However the African Stadium horn is not the most irritating sound of the tournament so far. That honour must surely go to the ITV coverage of Saturday nights England game, an event so littered with crimes against broadcasting that I almost don't know where to start. The panel were two-thirds awful. Kevin Keegan who appears to have been drinking non-stop since leaving Manchester could barely string a sentence together. His contributions limited to merely repeating things that he had heard in the commentary. Gareth Southgate comes across like a schoolboy who has won the chance to be a pundit for the night, with his rabbit trapped in the headlight eyes he looks more scared than before 'that' penalty in 1996. Only Patrick Vieira saved the ensemble, a man for whom English is probably his third language being the most coherent member of the team. Even he was guilty of watching a completely different match to everybody else, England were excellent?


But at least you have a choice of whether to watch the tedious pre-amble, half-time drivel or post-match common sense massacre. There is NO getting away from the reprehensible Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. I have since heard Tyldesley commentating on other World Cup games since, he does a perfectly adequate job, almost registering lower on the irritation scale than John Motson. Unfortunately when England are involved he becomes the worlds biggest jingoistic cliche merchant. His constant references to 'the millions' watching at home in 'bars, clubs or lounges'. His complete inability to say the name of an England player without rattling it through the very depths of his throat first. I can only assume he does this in case RooOOONNNNnnEEYYYYY's touch on the half way line leads to the greatest goal ever scored and is subsequently replayed forever. Clearly, Tyldesley thinks he is part of the action rather than a mere spectator, a journalist, a commentator. Sitting next to TyyyLLLDDDEEESSSley is Andy 'Tactics-Truck' Townsend, a man whose skill in repeating the obvious is so large that it staggers me everytime I hear him in action. Thankfully the vuvuzela's help to blot out the sound of these two idiots.


A final mention must go to the World Cup Express on Radio 5 Live, each night at 9:30. Truly Mark 'Chappers' Chapman and Dave 'Comedy' Vitty provide a level of banality and tedium not before experienced on the BBC. 5 Live usually provides excellent football coverage and analysis (606 aside), but after listening to this yesterday evening for around 20 long minutes I now know what resides at the bottom of the barrel. The two ground breaking issues up for discussion were, goal-keeping howlers and vuvuzelas! Insightful stuff I am sure you will agree, particularly the haha, hilarious, oh I am laughing now just thinking about it, section where they discuss places where the vuvuzela would not be welcome. Cue, snippets of commentary from the Open golf, the snooker, the tennis all with horn noises added for good measure. Chapman, Vitty and 'special' guest Robbie Savage were laughing hard at this section, with Savage heard to mutter the word 'brilliant' through his guffaws. The phrase 'lowest common denominator' springs to mind. How these two were allowed to escape from Radio 1 is an absolute mystery.


Lets just hope the football picks up over the next few days. and if it does, my advice is this. Turn down the sound, pop on your favourite album, crack open a beer and enjoy the football in beautiful horn free bliss.

Big thanks to big Fred for a big win!

So England won The Ashes, and they did so against all odds after the horrendous defeat in Leeds just over two weeks ago. Amidst all the celebrations and back slapping there has been a general feeling that Andrew Flintoff did not play well in this match. That his younger and fitter colleagues conspired to give the limping old hero a magnificent send off. Not so, not so at all.


Yes, Stuart Broad bowled an immense spell on Friday afternoon, putting the Australians in all sorts of brown water. And yes, captain fantastic Andrew Strauss scored plenty of runs, leading from the front as he has done splendidly for the last 18 months. Add a fine performance from 8 wicket Graeme Swann and a ton on debut for Jonathan Trott and evidence of Flintoff’s fading seems compelling.


Two factors though, must dispel the idea that Freddie played a limited role in this match. Number 1, Ricky Ponting’s run out. I am not the first person to point out the importance of this moment, and I will not be the last, but mention it I must. What does seem to have been overlooked, however, is that Australia’s captain was beginning to look completely invincible, adding 127 runs with Michael Hussey for the third wicket. Without that run out England would probably have still won, but, it would have been a lot closer. And who can say what might have happened if Ponting and Hussey had been together at the crease for two more hours?


The second factor is Flintoff’s sheer presence in the side. Competitive at Lord’s and Edgbaston, the home team arrived in Leeds to find that their number 7 was out of the match. How much impact this had on the psychology of the other players we will not know until the autobiographies start appearing, but one thing is for certain; somehow England turned innings defeat into almost 200 run victory in two weeks.


Stuart Broad will surely become a fine all rounder, as will Graeme Swann, but neither currently has the impact on the team that Flintoff has. All the big man has to do is show up, put his whites on and jog onto the pitch and all around him are uplifted. So yes it was not vintage Freddie, no big wickets, no big runs, but to think England would have won the Ashes without him is foolish, just look back two weeks for the cold hard proof. Thanks for the little urn Freddie and let us all hope that you will be performing in the blue of England for many years to come.

Come on United, don’t take the Michael?!

Some people love spring, the early blossoming of daffodils, the first day of genuine T-shirt weather. Others, they love Christmas, presents, family, good food and drink, terrible television. Me, I love this time of year. The new football season has finally begun, the cricket is exciting, and the new football season has finally begun. The Football League is well under way and the Premier League is 12 days and 16 matches old. Markers have been set down, new signings have been blooded, and pundits have made their predictions.


Liverpool have given us a glimpse of the bad and the nearly beautiful, with Glen ‘Armitage Shanks’ Johnson in particular, looking very impressive. Manchester City look like they have spent more wisely than many had anticipated. Some big names in football, Sir Alex included, rubbished there chances this term, lets just hope someone buys the Scot a hat made from liqueur chocolates this Xmas, he may need it. Ancelotti’s Chelsea, 2 from 2 so far, look like being as strong as ever, if by ever you mean the last five years. Arsenal will in all likelihood, continue to thrash all comers beyond redemption without troubling the engraver and his pencil come May.


The real story of this first week and a half though, is at Old Trafford, and the travails of a certain half-pint sized striker. A substitute on Sunday, as United squeaked past Birmingham, he was on from the start Wednesday night, as Burnley sprang a shock 1-0 victory. The Clarets win does not mean they will stay up, and United’s defeat does not mean they won’t win the league, far too early for predictions of that sort. However, what screams at me from the match at Turf Moor is this. You have lost two major forwards from your side in Ronaldo and Tevez. Your only major signing up front to these vacancies is an ex-England striker, who has failed to score in pre-season and has a point to prove. Late in the first half, 1-0 down, you get a penalty, over to you, fill your boots, get off the mark Michael….. CARRICK???


When Michael Owen appears on the television at the moment, I have to look away. His body language is terrible, shoulders hunched, he looks almost embarrassed to be there. He wears on his tormented face the harrowing memories of every moment of his Newcastle nightmare. Michael Owen, shoulders hunched, failure, relegated, injured too much, dropped from the England squad. An England squad he has been part of since he was 17 years of age. This is Owen’s last chance to fulfil his potential, and he knows it. His last chance to win a League Title, a Champions League, perhaps even a World Cut to sit on the mantle with his golden boots, Ballon d’Or and assorted cups from a glorious heyday at Liverpool.


What should not be forgotten is that officially, Owen is in his prime. Yes, his pace will never come close to that which destroyed the Argentinean rearguard in 1998. Perhaps he will never again feel the love of supporters that greeted his early career at Anfield. But this is Michael Owen. England’s top striker for the last decade, 9 goals short of Sir Bobby Charlton’s record in an England shirt, and this is a World Cup year. Now forgive me for being a sentimentalist, but it all looks set up for Owen to have one last hurrah. Just imagine, the World Cup final, the 90th minute, Argentina and England tied at one apiece, and Owen nips in at the near post to snatch the winner, his 50th for his country. All he needs is a goal to get him started, to wipe that hang-dog expression off his face, put the spring back in his step. So please Manchester United, next time you get a penalty, for everyone’s sake, give it to the right Michael.

Fifth Test? I can’t wait but hopes are not high.

Last night I had a dream, and it most definitely was not a good one. In it, and I do not remember how, England captain Andrew Strauss became unfortunately deceased just a few days before a deciding Ashes Test match. Thankfully I awoke, in a cold sweat I might add, to realise that this awful vision was just a bad dream. To lose Strauss to injury now, let alone anything else, would be an unmitigated disaster, akin to losing your premier all-rounder a few hours before a big match in Leeds.


Hope was high after Cardiff escape, was followed by Lord’s victory, but since then expectation levels have dramatically collapsed. If the draw in Wales was a miracle, then there is no biblical equivalent to what is required in South London this week, especially after the debacle at Headingley. And to achieve anything, even pride in defeat, without the skipper, top run scorer, and only English centurion of the series would surely be impossible.


Strauss stands alone among the home batsmen this series, against an attack that is apparently not all that good. Which begs the question, was the Australian revival in Leeds merely a mirage in the desert of Test cricket? Were Ponting’s men really that good or did England’s boys just play so poorly that Johnson, Hilfenhaus, Siddle and Clark were made to appear world beaters? English cricket has a tendency to implode once in a while, only to return looking stronger, having learned from its mistakes. We all remember the 51 all out in Jamaica just a few short months ago, and the swift improvements that followed.


At the Oval, international reputations are at stake, as England try once again to rise phoenix-like from the, ahem, ashes of disaster. Ian Bell, brought in to replace the injured Kevin Pietersen has so far belied the myth that he can be a test cricketer of the highest quality. Left out after the mauling at Sabina Park, he was supposed to have rediscovered his form, proved himself once again a top notch cricketer. If he fails this week then I am afraid that should be the end of the line for Bell, three series of failure against the Aussies is quite enough, thank you. Players are needed who can compete against the best; after all, it is only 15 months until the beginning of a certain series down under.


Paul Collingwood is another of England’s top order that looks to be drinking in the bar, next door to the last chance saloon. A quick glance at Michael Clarke’s figures this series, show what a genuine Test match number 5 should be doing. One gritty knock at Sofia Gardens, plus a couple of quick fire half tons are insufficient from that position, if you are hoping to compete against the world’s finest. And as for Ravi Bopara, well perhaps Ravi should be given some time off and then dropped down the order, everyone deserves a second chance, after all.


England’s selectors however deserve praise for not making wholesale changes before such a big match. People talk of Jonathan Trott being under immense pressure, making debut in the Ashes decider, I disagree. For me he is in a win-win situation. Score runs and his place in the side will be assured for the winter’s tour to South Africa, fail and any fingers pointing, will not be doing so in his direction. This should allow him to bat with freedom and with any luck patience too, the one thing England’s batters, Strauss and to a lesser extent Cook aside, have lacked all summer. The bowlers too, need to learn this most important of virtues, put the ball in the right area over and over again and you will create pressure. A Test match is five days long, not two and a half. We can only hope England have learned from their hefty mistakes a fortnight ago, and that this match is still exciting come Monday afternoon. Although on recent evidence, an England victory may just be too much to dream of.

75 years? No problem.

Three days on from the ‘miracle at Cardiff’ the two teams arrive at Lord’s for the second Test. So what have we learned since Monty Panesar and Jimmy Anderson blocked out for nearly eleven, gut churning overs, on Sunday evening? First, Ricky ‘Roland’ Ponting is not only a bad loser, he is a pretty bad at taking a draw too. Yes, England may have indulged in a tiny bit of blatant time-wasting, but don’t think for a minute that the Australians would have behaved any better were the roles reversed. They would, however, have been a little more subtle than sending on the world’s largest physio for no reason. And on Wednesday we learnt that Andrew Flintoff will retire from Test match cricket after this current series. Probably for the best, it is no good having a player who cannot be relied upon to play game after game; it is unsettling and upsets the balance of the team.


The second Test promises to be a very different match indeed, and it will be extremely interesting to see how both sets of players respond to the extraordinary events of Sunday. Australia will be smarting, Ponting knows that he blew it, missed a trick, looked a gift horse in the mouth. All the talk of England delaying the game is a smokescreen, erected by the Australian captain to defend himself from the many accusations of poor decision making. Why Marcus North, full time batter, part-time bowler was sending down gentle turners to England’s last pair is anybody’s guess. Siddle and Hilfenhaus must have wondered what they had done to upset Rick, one good length Yorker and Panesar would have been back in the Pavilion, and the Aussies 1-0 up.


Still Ponting’s mistake is Andrew Strauss’s gain and I fully expect a very different England team to take the field today. The personnel will be similar; Harmison for Monty, and Onions for the injured Broad, but the attitude and application should, and hopefully will, be much improved. If England could win at Lord’s, for the first time since 1934, etc, then Australia may find it hard to stomach and recover after that first Test finale. The batters will have to stand up and be counted, do to the Aussies what they did to England last weekend. The bowlers must rediscover their aggression too, don’t let the Aussies settle, don’t give them easy runs, and hit them. Hit them with the nice hard shiny new ball, it excites the crowd, it excites the players and it will ruffle the Australians. I don’t care how good a player you are, getting struck by a cricket ball at 90MPH is both frightening and painful.


Australia will win the toss and bat first, but that will be all they win this week. England are going to come out firing on all cylinders, the crowd will be behind them, and Ponting’s men will be all out for around 200 and bowling by 5 o’clock this evening. I’m off to try and get tickets outside the ground, wish me luck!

England survival cannot mask the need for improvements all round.

Before this Ashes series began there was a lot of talk, a lot of hype and a huge amount of expectation. On Sunday evening, we found out just why everyone was looking forward to it so much. Rarely does Test match cricket come down to its final hour, but when it does, just like at Edgbaston and Old Trafford in 2005, there is quite simply nothing to match it for sheer drama. Sunday was a test for the players, a test for the umpires, and a test for the supporters in the ground. Australia, by far the more accomplished team throughout, taking 19 wickets compared to England’s 7, came up just short thanks to the belligerence of Collingwood, Anderson and Panesar. The drama was simply epic, with every dot ball receiving an enormous cheer from the near capacity Cardiff crowd.


At lunch with England teetering at 94 for 5 there seemed to be absolutely no chance of survival. The top order had collapsed, given up, and whilst a little resistance from the tail was hoped for, the home side would surely be well beaten. But then, minute after minute, over after over, the close of play loomed nearer. First Broad, and then Swann, showed the top order how to hang around and take time out of a test match, before Monty and Jimmy came together to see England home. The unlikeliest of heroes with bat in hand. If the tension was unbearable, at home then heaven knows how it must have felt watching in the stadium, whether from stand or balcony. Strauss, Cook, Bopara and Pietersen looked on as the match was saved by tail-enders.


Kevin 'It's just the way I play, and I'm not going to change' Pietersen, in particular, needs to look long and hard at his performance and his attitude. I am sure KP would like to be considered one of the world's finest batsmen, if indeed he doesn't already believe this to be the case. However, to be the world's finest batsmen you need to be adaptable, you cannot play the same way in every situation. This is The Ashes, this is Australia. On the first day, given the nature of the pitch, England had the chance to rack up a massive total, to put the Aussies under pressure. Instead the entire top order got in and then got out, and while Pietersen is not the only culprit, his inability to accept fault sets a bad example to the rest of the team. Had Strauss and co put on the 700 runs that pitch deserved then the pressure on the Australians would have been huge and maybe it would have been them fighting to save the Test on Sunday evening. Kevin and the others should take a long hard look at the Australian innings to see how Test match innings are accumulated over time.


The batsmen are certainly not be alone in shouldering the blame for what was, even in the aftermath of Sunday's drama, still an abject all round performance by the English. Lacklustre fielding was at fault too, James Anderson in particular missing a run out opportunity on Saturday as he sulked back to his mark, good work from Cook wasted. More importantly the bowlers need to look at themselves, and ask why only seven wickets were taken in two full days in the field. Yes Australia batted supremely but their job was made easier for them, pressure was not applied for long periods, new batsmen allowed to get away to quick starts. Anderson and Broad have looked fine bowlers for England during Flintoff's recent absences, does having the big man back cause them to lose focus. Is the sense of responsibility reduced in the knowledge that Freddie is there to pick up the mantle, to dig his colleagues out of a hole.


Massive improvement is required when the teams step out on Thursday for the second Test so what changes, if any, will England make? The batsmen will all survive, for now, but changes to the bowling attack will be required if 20 wickets are to be taken. Graeme Swann had a terrible game with the ball in Cardiff, but as England's best spinner for 18 months; one bad game should not see him axed. With Swann taking the sole spinners role at Lord's, Panesar, the hero with the bat will make way for Graham Onions, or maybe Steven Harmison. Anderson and Broad also bowled well below par last week, but like Swann, they should not be cast out for one bad game. Broad, however, will certainly be the more vulnerable of the two if Strauss and Flower decide a double change is needed, to liven things up. Flintoff, untouchable with the ball, and once again looking dangerous with the bat, will have another big roll to play. The one word for England to remember come Thursday is patience, you cannot win the game with the bat in a session, and cannot take a wicket every ball. Show discipline and stomach for the long game and Strauss could still preside over a victorious summer of cricket.

Please God, make it stop, or rain at least?

I’m not entirely sure at what time it stopped being fun and started feeling like really long, painful, dental treatment. It is hard to say. Maybe it was Friday afternoon when Clark and North batted through the afternoon session, after Anderson had given us the briefest of hopes. Maybe it was Saturday morning when I was finally able to sit on the sofa, in the living room, and watch it live on the TV. There was, in my mind, at least, still a glimmer at that point. Knock ‘em over cheaply first thing, put another 400 on the on the board and leave them a little chase on Sunday afternoon and who knows. Of course this was always a ridiculous notion; the game was up when our boys failed to get big scores after bright starts.


It was over when we applauded Matty Prior for his ‘cracking little knock’ of 56. It turns out that that wasn’t such a good innings after all. Marcus North has since re-educated us on what a good innings from a Test match number 6 looks like. In comparison to North’s relatively chanceless 100, Prior’s quick-fire contribution now looks impulsive and ill-disciplined. Australia could literally have batted all day and all night, everyday, until their plane leaves in September.


Now we all remember the dark days. The days before first Nasser Hussein, and then Michael Vaughan helped to transform England from a team of bottlers into a side that could triumph under pressure and take on the best in the world, and win. Obviously this one bad display does not mean we have immediately regressed by 10 years. But, on Friday and Saturday that is how it felt, particularly as the Aussies came out and took wickets straight away before tea. The home attack was lifeless, without inspiration or hope. The tourists pumped out their chests and made themselves some chances with determination and passion.


All that said, we may still sneak a draw from this shambles of a performance, if the batsmen can finally reign in their suicidal instincts, the threat from within far greater than anything the Aussies can offer. Even a defeat is not the end of the world, if 2005 is to be taken as an example. However, Lord’s in 2005 was different, fight was shown, gauntlets laid down, Ponting’s men won that test but we made them fight for it and left them a few scars to remember it by. This Cardiff Test match, the experts said, offered England their best chance of a win this summer. The pitch will turn, they have no spinner, confidence was high. Instead the Australians have taken that confidence we had and smashed it to the boundary for two, long, sapping days. England need big improvements, and quickly or else Glenn ‘5-0 to us mate’ McGraaaaaaaaath, may prove to be the wisest man in cricket. And nobody wants that.